Yesterday was my birthday - and the only thing I wanted was to not have to take care of mom. Much like on the occasional Mother's Day - I want to be left alone or for my kids to be angels all day! The problem with wanting to not have to take care of my mom is that it's just not realistic. I wouldn't dream of asking Patrick or the kids to get her up and ready in the morning and she has to get up and ready. I hoped that by fixing her lunch and sitting with her talking about her would make it easier for me to leave her to have lunch with my family - it didn't, but it was a great theory - one that I HAD to try! Mom goes to that darker place in her personality in the evenings, so I knew I had to be home with her for that...anyway, I wasn't able to give up all caregiver duties just because it was my birthday.
I knew all the way down to my toes that she wouldn't remember my birthday - she hasn't remember it for the past 5 (and now 6) years. But, always the optimist, when I wrote the day and date on the board in her room and she said "August 12...?"...I nearly burst with excitement! Of course then she said - I guess that means I've got another birthday just around the corner. Then proceeded to talk about getting older and how difficult it is, etc. all the while my "still trying to win the approval of my mom" Lisa was devastated.
It came up in conversation over the course of the day, and she was polite enough to say "It's your birthday? Really?" but she never felt bad that she had forgotten her only child's birthday or apologized. Alzheimer's is weird. Is it pure survival that makes mom so self-absorbed? Is it possible that the first part of her brain to go (after the short term memory) is her sense of remorse? I have no idea and either way - it still hurt my feelings that my mom didn't remember and then didn't care that it was my birthday yesterday.
No cake, no cupcake, no candles, no birthday song - BUT - I got an entire day with Patrick and the kids, I swam 40 lengths of the pool without stopping, I got to escape to lunch with my family, I got 60+ nice messages from friends and family on Facebook, I got the best ear buds and handmade cards from the kids, I got to watch part of the Browns pre-season game, mom didn't fall or have an anxiety attack while we were gone, I had the best ribs for dinner and we laughed all day. I forget how much fun we have as a family - Patrick and I have always shared a similar sense of humor (which the kids are adopting) and when we have time to just hang out together - we laugh. A lot.
I went back and forth yesterday trying to hide my birthday from my mom so she wouldn't feel bad and then when I couldn't completely hide it from her, I realized she didn't feel bad at all. I am sure this is a common part of caregiving - I'm just glad I don't have to deal with it for another year!
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