Is that possible with mothers and daughters? ever? especially when Alzheimer's is in the mix?
There are a few things I miss about my pre-caregiver life - the ability to move quickly and multitask, reading, the joy my kids felt about hanging around their home (this is now a deep sadness for me - I can tell they know we are doing the right thing, but they want their old house feel back), but the most selfish thing I miss - because it is not in any way a necessity - is going to the pool at Trophy Club. I look forward to that more than anything else I do with the kids every summer and I just haven't been able to find time or the way to get there. Today I went. Patrick and Keaton stayed home with mom and I took Peyton and one of her friends.
I felt like I was pretty organized - we got out of the house on time!!! and that mom would be safe and just fine - she had PT today and a hair appointment (which I would be home in time to take her). Truth is, if I would have been here - she would have slept most of the minutes that she wasn't eating or in PT. Maybe she did - I didn't ask and no one gave me much info on her activities. The question was - could I do this without getting eaten up by guilt?
I have to choose "Me Time" really carefully - because any choices I make that disrupt the schedule - make the rest of the day with mom more work. Part of that choosing means choosing to enjoy the time away or time doing something just for me - showers at Keller Pointe, swimming laps, the 20 minutes after I put mom to bed and am getting ready for bed myself...3 hours at the pool. I managed to not feel guilty or worry or over-text or anything for 98% of the time. Someone pat me on the back!
I watched the girls flip and jump and fly off the diving board. I watched them walking together from pool to pool - completely oblivious to the world around them, caught up in their conversation and friendship. I watched them go down slides and ran my hands through sprinkling, spraying, shooting water. I floated feeling the sun on my face and smelling the chlorine in my nose and the strength in my legs. I got caught up in clouds, playing that game all by myself where I tried to find pictures in the sky - an eagle, a mouse, a bon fire and always God - the streams of light that shine out of the clouds down to the earth have always been a greeting card from Him, a reminder and a comfort. I listened to the sound of the girls giggling, watched them compete and think about getting angry and deciding against it (yay them). I talked to a friend who I adore that is going through a struggle that is not her fault, but that she probably can't win. I played on my phone, I drank icy cold water on a very hot day and thought about how lucky I really am. I went anywhere they wanted me to go, I appreciated the time I was allowed to spend alone, I smiled at strangers and although I have had a few "poor me" moments this evening - I am drawing on the memories of these 3 hours to remind me how blessed I am -memories that mom can't enjoy anymore. Her memories are leaving her every day - more of the past is fading and the present is gone 30 seconds after it happens.
So can I learn to "live in the moment" and make that a good thing. Is there a way to learn to enjoy right now since there is a very good chance that my destiny is sitting on the couch right across from me and "right now" is all I will have? Can I learn to trust and to give up control and know how important it is to keep exercising my mind even after it doesn't make sense any more?
I guess I will just focus on finding joy in "Me Time" whether it be 3 hours at the pool or 10 minutes washing my face. And I will continue to celebrate not feeling guilty!
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