It's been a couple of long days. Tuesday, the kids went back to school and with that - all the little changes that a family has to make to survive. Obviously, I've never given much thought to the impact changes like this have on the person NOT instituting the changes. When the kids complain about early bedtimes, I ignore them - I know best, after all! When they fuss about rationed time for electronics, tv, friends - I ignore that too. And I've always been able to use the rationale that "if you want to _____________ (play baseball, be in dance, have friends over, get into a good college), then you'll ______________ (keep your room clean, get your homework done first, be upstairs and in bed by 10:00)" It makes sense to them. Especially Keaton - my totally motivated by incentives child. Peyton is still young enough that she listens to me and is clinging to the belief that her mom is pretty smart.
The wrinkle this school year? Mom!
All summer long she has been sound asleep before I started the kids on their nighttime routine. The house has been quite until she finished her breakfast. Meals happened at mealtime. And all of this agreed with her. (I think I may have mentioned that mom expects to be the center of the universe!)
Tuesday night was one of the most difficult nights my family has had since she moved in. I was trying to organize kid pick up with Patrick at work and not drag mom out of her comfort zone too much. I did okay starting out - picked up Peyton with mom in tow, came home, took Peyton to Gracies and got back before mom even missed me. Mom sat with me while I prepped dinner - turkey burger patties made, potatoes cut up to roast, table set, peaches sliced. I got her a snack to "tide her over" since we weren't going to eat until 6:30ish. Then it was time to pick up Keaton and get Peyton from Gracies and get Peyton to tap. I ran to get Murph, grabbed Peyton and dropped Murph off to sit with mom while I drove her to the dance studio. She decided she had to run in to grab a snack (for a 45 minute class!) and I decided to wait in the car - we were cutting it pretty close.
Apparently mom threw into a full-on tantrum at the kids - she thought I was her sister, I was stealing her car and she had been left alone for HOURS and the kids needed to tell me to come inside NOW. Keaton tried to explain, Peyton didn't know what to do so she just ran out to the car. She told me mom was upset that I was stealing her car, but I didn't get the full impact of how crazy she had gone (we were running late and that traditionally dulls my judgement concerning the importance of anything that isn't about getting where I am trying to go!) No worries though, right? I passed Patrick coming home as we were turning out of the neighborhood. WRONG! By the time he got here - she was ticked off and being pretty ugly to Keaton - who, bless his heart, was trying to calm her down and reason with her.
Lots transpired - Patrick and Keaton went outside to start the grill and toss the baseball. I got Peyton to dance, paid her tuition and came home. Mom was annoyed by the time I got home - by now a stranger had come into the house, grabbed her keys and stolen her car (I think this was Peyton) and she'd been left alone all day since I left for work early this morning and she hadn't had a thing to eat all day. To her credit, she was a mess. I believe she was genuinely confused and had convinced herself all she was thinking was true.
We finally got sat down to dinner - she was in rare form ("I don't suppose there's enough for me to have some?", "I am so sorry to impose on your dinner - I thought my daughter was coming for me this evening or I'd have made other plans." and then some obsessive pickle eating. Mom loves her salt and she is not supposed to have much - so last night she made up for it by eating pickle slices. I put like 6 on her tiny turkey burger and she informed me that she prefers a few more. So I put 6 more on her plate and she put those on. Then she asked me, pointing at the jar of pickles, if those were pickles and could she have a few - I probably wasn't aware of her fondness for pickles. So I dug out a huge pile and she complained that she didn't need THAT many and then promptly ate them. Peyton's eyes got so big watching her - she was mesmerized.
The kids were trying to tell Patrick about their day and she kept interrupting with the most bizarre questions and statements (trying to get the focus back on her, I think, but maybe just trying to deal with her blowup from earlier - which I am sure she didn't remember in detail - just a vague knowledge that something off had taken place). Sometimes it hurts the kids' feelings when she does this, but they were troopers - they plowed right through, pausing to answer her or let me answer her. She couldn't get to the couch fast enough after dinner and the kids were so much help just so they'd have something to do in the kitchen.
It was also supposed to be our first immediate-family-only-night (I-FON - or i-Phone, as I like to call it!) - I was committed. Mom was pissed. I was firm. The family was uncomfortable.
After only one reminder that she needed to stay in her room - she rolled her walker out and sat down right between Patrick and I! - mom did her level best to follow the IFON rules. She did go to the bathroom about 10 times in 90 minutes and she took really long pauses in the kitchen making little noises to try and get someone to invite her over. We were strong and we ended up with an entire evening all to ourselves.
Her need to be where people are is actually quite sweet - and her efforts to be noticed, but to still do "what she is supposed to do" were so adorable. We'd hold a straight face for as long as she could see or hear us, but when she'd finally go back into her room, the kids would laugh and Patrick and I would roll our eyes.
We all know she doesn't mean to be ugly and that she is sick, but that doesn't always make up for the behavior. It was nice to bond as a family for a little while and the truth is - she didn't even remember any of it the next morning.
Yesterday was full of the same - too much to type, but she did eat 2 dinners - one at her dinner time and then another when I fed the kids "since no one had bothered to feed her yet" and she took out her dentures, cleaned them, put them back in the next trip to the bathroom (2 minutes later) and left them soaking in her ice cream dish. I am sure it wasn't the best thing for the dentures, but I was at a loss, so I left it. It really threw her off this morning....I tried to explain and decided against it. When I turned the tv off at 9:00 to get the kids started on their path to bedtime - she did that thing where she was a classic 'victim' and the kids were mean Meadowlakes residents who didn't want her in their clic and I was some kind of prison warden who was on their side and lying to her to make her look stupid. And there is the silver lining of the ice cream dentures...it would have been so easy to get angry about her words and actions and facial expressions and then she soaked her dentures in an ice cream cup. We've got it pretty good in comparison!
I spend the most time with her - so I can ignore it better than the kids - I know it doesn't hurt her to change the subject or just leave the room, I know she can't be reasoned with or convinced, I know my sanity depends on being able to ignore the bad stuff. I am learning that it's okay to laugh about some of the more ridiculous things she says and does - it's not done to hurt her feelings or to make fun of her - it's to release some of the tension brought on by having an ALZ patient in our lives 24/7. We are never mean and there is a reason there is a saying that says "If you don't laugh, you'll cry!"
Today is going to be another tough one - Keaton has his first football game, Peyton has dance, mom can't go to the game (it's going to be 103 at kickoff and the air quality is red) and Patrick's dad and Sue aren't able to come over like we had planned. I am going to try and get Peyton to dance, catch at least an hour of his Freshman game and get home before mom loses it. Hopefully get her dinner and settled down before everyone else gets home....hopefully!
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