Well, the first day of school is rushing straight at us and I am beginning to mourn the loss of summer. Not sure why - this hasn't been the summer of leisure I imagined. The day trips to the pool, the picnics, the home improvement projects, the books upon books I was going to read...not this year. The blessing of no longer working is more a blessing of necessity than leisure. It has allowed me to be there for the kids and mom and to do so without the overwhelming stress of my former career. I was driving past Peyton's school today and thanked God for this blessing - swept up in the total realization that I don't want to be anywhere else but with my family right now.
The point of all this is - August 27 is coming like a freight train and we have things that have to be accomplished. Murph has football camp, Peyton is starting dance next week, Keaton has fall baseball, Peyton has grown 4" since last school winter and all her pants are ridiculously short, Murph's feet have grown, school supplies must be purchased and checked off the list and on and on. I cannot be with mom every hour of every day and get all my boxes ticked.
Little by little I have left the house (and mom sitting on the big red couch looking out the window trying to remember the neighbor's - whom she has never met - names) to go to the grocery or Target or the mall or the hair salon or to get gas. I have guilt and worry. I have visions and inner conversations with my conscience. I also have a sense of accomplishment and smiling children. So far, no crisis or emergencies have taken place during these short absences. So far! Usually one of the kids or Patrick is home - but mom only wants me - and they are doing whatever they do - napping, computering, video gaming, etc'ing.
She feels sorry for herself - maybe not while I'm gone, but as soon as I get home - she uses phrases and sighs and body language to look for sympathy or show displeasure. And if that were the only time she did these this, I might consider giving up these jaunts, but she does the same thing if my family is home and we have a conversation that doesn't revolve around her or watch a movie she doesn't understand or watch a baseball game and cheer. She feels neglected any time she is not asleep or being entertained.
Mom has lost the ability to remember anything enjoyable - anything that doesn't cause her fear or make her angry goes away almost immediately. Alzheimer's is a cruel disease - loss that is so different than death, but so similar. I miss my mom - I miss laughing with mom over our shared past. I miss watching sports and cheering in the living room. I miss singing along with old Fred Astaire & Gene Kelly movies. I miss missing Daddy with her - she doesn't remember Daddy anymore.
I am her staffer now - a long time butler or cook or housekeeper. Someone she knows has her best interest at heart and is pretty sure she can trust, but not family. The kids are my kids, but NOT her grandchildren. Patrick is part time help, I'm pretty sure! Maybe the owner or owner's son...nice man, of course, but not her servant. Peyton looks too much like me when I was young - and mom was tough on me back in the day! Keaton is the golden child - a boy - always preferred to a girl in mom's mind and quiet.
I miss my mom and thanks to the Notebook - I keep waiting for those flashes Gena Rowlands had - but there have been no flashes, no lucid moments, no 5 minutes of mother/daughter anything. So off I go - getting back to normal - worrying less, accomplishing more, expecting less, celebrating small things, being thankful, prioritizing my time and energy and not being so angry that there aren't more options for in-home caregivers of Alzheimer's patients.
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