The Devil's Advocate

Strange as it may seem - those words are a blast from my past.  Not a pleasant blast - like hearing "Julie, Julie, Julie, Do ya love me?" on the radio or watching a "Where Are They Now" with Oprah and the Brady Bunch or even looking through an old Reflector.  Nope, those are infamous words spoken by my mother.  Words I always interpreted to mean - I can't believe how wrong you are and how easy it is for me to be right, preferably in front of other people.  That sounds really harsh - I mean, what's the point of even thinking about it any more? 

The point is - mom is at it again. 

Lately she has been fixated on the feeding of our dog, Sophie.  Sophie loves mom - Sophie loves that mom occasionally drops food at the dinner table.  Sophie loves that mom occasionally drops food on the front of her clothing so Sophie can bury her furry little face in mom's lap.  Sophie loves that mom can sit for hours and not disturb her - she has found a place at mom's side in the afternoon - perfect for dog & GPeg napping!  Sophie loves that mom can't remember if Sophie has eaten and that there are things Sophie is not supposed to have - because that means Mom slips her bite after bite. 

Mom loves Sophie because Sophie doesn't care that mom can't remember her name or that she's a girl dog.  Mom loves Sophie because she is a great listener.  Mom loves Sophie because, as far as Mom can tell, Sophie doesn't remember much either.  And mostly, Mom loves Sophie because Sophie loves mom!

Anyway, Mom has taken to asking at least 20 times a day "How do they feed her?"  They, being the people at Meadowlakes (I think) and her being Sophie.  She then will ask "Has she eaten?".  If we say yes, she tells me that she looks hungry.  If Sophie glances up at mom as she walks by to find a spot to nap, mom tells me she looks hungry.  If Sophie takes her big, chewed up blue dinosaur to mom to play, mom ignores her request and tells me she looks hungry.  If I put Sophie's bowl and food at mom's feet so she can watch me give her food and then watch (and listen to) her eat, mom tells me she looks hungry.  And every time Sophie puts her head in mom's lap or lays down beside her - mom has to say in a too loud voice "I haven't got a thing for you, poor hungry puppy".  REALLY?!

A couple of days ago, this new fixation took a nasty turn.  She now challenges us, particularly me and my daughter (who I think my mom actually thinks is me) when we say we feed her or that she has eaten.  She looks down her nose and smirks and proceeds to tell us that "I certainly didn't see anyone feed her and she sure looks hungry."  She gets argumentative.  She gets snarky.  She is picking a fight!  It's the weirdest thing.

Until this morning.  We had just finished breakfast, I was putting the dishes in the sink and mom was finishing her coffee...we had just played several rounds of the "has she eaten/I haven't got a thing for you" game.  When I heard mom "whispering" to Sophie - it was a total flashback to my childhood, when mom would be talking to my dad or Angie or Millie about something I was doing or had done that she didn't agree with "I can assure you it's not a choice I would make." in a too loud whisper so I could hear them.  I never did figure out if that was part of the test - could I just ignore it and move on?  did I lose points if I didn't stand up to her?  was she scoring me on how well I could defend my position?  I just know that whether I said something, stood up for myself or slinked away to my room, it always hurt my feelings.  It always made me envious when other moms were their children's greatest advocates - NOT the Devil's Advocate!  Because every time I chose to defend whatever she was questioning - and I got the best of her (meaning I won or my point made sense) she would shrug off any responsibility for perhaps needing to apologize or praise me by saying, "You know I'm just playing the devil's advocate - helping you prepare for situations later in life."

A couple of years ago, my daughter pointed out to me that I tend to not side with her (or anyone) when there is a battle between children in my house or at events when we take friends.  I become a mediator and give both sides a chance to speak, ask questions and point out that there are always 2 sides to every story and that I am sure the truth lies somewhere in the middle.  I then try and help each of them see things from the perspective of the other.  Epic fail!  My daughter wants and needs an advocate.  So, although I am still a mediator to some extent - I have also become my daughter's most outspoken advocate.  I adore my children and don't want them wearing the chains of a mother who wanted them to be wrong so I could be right. 

Everything happens for a reason - sometimes we are raised in ways that help us as we raise our children - sometimes we exactly model our parent's behavior.  Sometimes we purposely go in a different direction.  Most times we meet in the middle.  I know I emulate the fun, friend part of how my mom raised me with my kids.  I know I expect them to finish everything they begin, the exact opposite of how my mom raised me.  And although I occasionally do play the devil's advocate with them - I never say it that way, I always do it privately and I do it to share my experiences with them so they can be right and wise and thoughtful and responsible in the future - because if they aren't those things - then, as a parent, neither am I.