Today has been a bad day. Great plans, on schedule, but it just hasn't flowed right and even though Mom has no idea what is supposed to be happening or what day it is (the QOD for yesterday BIG TIME!) or any other details of her life these days, when it's slightly off I think she senses it somehow and it makes everything ugly.
I got home 5 minutes early from the pool this morning, but it was 5 minutes late to mom.
I decided to go ahead and start the morning routine hoping to save the day, but that ship must have sailed.
I made her favorite breakfast today...but she ate it with her mouth curled in disgust.
I laid out her favorite shirt and she asked why the heck she had to get so dressed up.
I told her she needed to make her bed and she became a helpless victim who was being tortured by the evil lady (that's me) that was forcing her into this hard labor.
I took my box tops outside to work on so we could sit outside and give my family some private time in their home and it was too damn hot.
My daughter tried to play one of the memory games with mom and she snapped at her and made her cry.
I invited mom into her room to give everyone some space and she was MAD. She said things that broke my heart - things that made it clear she doesn't know who my family is and doesn't care.
Mom has always been self-absorbed, but this phase of her personality is really dark.
I made her lunch and she asked if she always ate this much - it was clearly enough for an army. Must be that army from A Night at the Museum!!
It's been shaky ever since...
And I can explain it to myself and to the kids and be kind to mom through it all, but today I am annoyed as heck. I am sick and tired of her whining. I am sick and tired of her absolute need for everything to revolved around her. And I am down right mad at the fact that she could care less about her grandchildren. That she makes disgusted faces when they try and tell her a story or get her to watch a show or video they love or when Peanut wants to show her one of her dances or new outfits or something she made. And today I have been so dumbfounded by the fact that my sweet dog can curl up next to mom or bound in to see her and mom doesn't even reach out a hand to pet her or smile at her unfailing love for her family - and that includes mom. It's not mom's fault - I know that. But I can't help but remember what a good friend told me about her experience with Alzheimer's - the patient is like wine and whatever the grapes were like that went in (how the person was in their youth) just gets magnified or more intense with the progression of the disease.
Today I am seeing that in mom and it is IN MY FACE. It doesn't change the fact that family is family and we do what we need to do every day.
I feel sure I will need someone to care for me at some point unless there is a breakthrough (which I pray for daily...hourly) and this will help me plan and help my children learn. But today Alzheimer's is all up in my stuff and I have the attitude to prove it. I resent this new part of my life most when Patrick is off - I want our family time back. I don't want to have to explain why something is sweet or funny or why someone is sleeping in or still in their pj's. I want to go have lunch and drag around Target and look at the fish and hamsters at the pet store and spend a hour in Academy or half-price books. I want to eat at 7:00pm - something fun we saw on Food TV that is spicy or unusual or over-priced or deep-fried. I want to be able to leave stuff lying around on our family day - but we can't...because anything out of place baffles mom and then that's all she can talk about, ask about, hint about (don't let anyone tell you Alz patients lose their ability to manipulate) and complain about. Finally, it seems like a joy to clean everything up and put it away so we don't have to explain the out-of-place things over and over.
Today has been a bad day. But tomorrow will be better, God willing.
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