Five Minute Friday - Hero

You never know what is going to resonate in any given day.  Last year, I took my kids to the Dollar Movie and we saw "Here Comes the Boom" - and I LOVED IT!  I laughed until I cried.  I also had to hide my eyes and theirs for some of the fight scenes, but it was worth it.  And for all the great messages about never giving up and everyone's ability to become great for the first time or again or still, the lines in the movie that stay with me are the exchanges where Kevin James talks about Henry Winkler being his HERO and Henry Winkler saying the Kevin James is his HERO.

I think there is a lot of that going on in my life right now.  I am constantly awed by others - their strength, their inner peace and beauty, their style, their knowledge, their kindness, their ability to swim at a pace that would hospitalize me!  All the while I am drowning in all I need to do to care for others.  And sometimes (like this morning) feeling a bit unappreciated.

Until I realize that I may not be a superhero, but I am an everyday hero.  I make lunches that feed children - with just the right balance of delish and healthy and budget-friendliness.  I make lunches for mom with just the right amount of flavor to satisfy dying taste buds, but not so much as to tick off the cardiologist!, enough fluid to keep her blood pressure up, but not so much that she spends the entire day in the bathroom, with enough calories to keep her weight up and enough conversation to make meals something she looks forward to instead of forgets about.  I get forms filled out and organized so children can participate in events, field trips, classes, try outs, competitions, I make appointments and drive and cook and clean and wash and dry and fold and hug and pray and reassure and pet (that's for my Sophie Beast) and straighten and praise and comfort and pray some more.  I write in my journal to remind myself of all the blessings I have been given so I always have the strength to pray and comfort and organize and clean and fold and pet....

I don't have a cape...although I'm thinking about making one!...but I am going to tie this perspective around my neck...it's way more fun to do all that needs done when you are doing it as someone's HERO.



This post is part of Lisa Jo Baker’s Five Minute Friday, in response to the prompt “hero” I wrote for 5 minutes and published without editing, in 5 minute Friday tradition.

3-Day Weekends

Who doesn't love a 3-Day Weekend?  My mom, that's who.  She doesn't love a 2-Day weekend.  She doesn't understand why the kids are home, why the routine is slightly off, why the tv shows are different.  She asks a LOT about what day it is during the weekend.  I am sure she is hoping that information will help her figure out why everything is different.

But she doesn't have those skills anymore.  I can see her brain "click" a little when she hears that it is Saturday or Sunday...although we keep Sunday at a minimum...we actually lie to mom on Saturday night and tell her that it's Friday night again and on Sunday, we avoid telling her the day if at all possible...Sundays upset mom and it's just not worth it to upset her.  I struggle with the deception, but I made the decision that it was more important for her to be comfortable than for me to be honest... I hope I am making the right choice.

Anyway, today the kids are off school and Patrick doesn't go to work until 3:00, so she is flustered.  She has her regular appointments today - her nurse and her home health aide, but she is pretty disturbed by all the people in the house.  She may complain daily about how "dead it is around here", but for all her complaining - she really doesn't like "lively"!

So 3-Day Weekends are a Catch 22 for me....I choose to celebrate the chance to be with my family an extra day, but I am sensitive and try to be understanding of what mom is going through.  I wish I didn't have to choose.  I wish this awful thing had never happened to mom.  I wish she could find a way to remember.  Or at least to trust me when she is frightened and asks a question. 

Bright side?!  We got to stay up late and watch a couple of tv shows we had been wanting to see and now they are watching a movie together in the living room with the fireplace going.  Mom is napping in the red room, already wondering aloud about lunch.  Guess I'd better get cooking....

Five Minute Friday: Visit

Visit - a word my mother used a lot as I was growing up.  Probably a word she learned growing up.  "Visit" to my mom was not going somewhere - it was spending time with someone talking.  Maybe at our home, maybe at theirs, maybe over the phone or standing in line at the DMV.

Mom always liked a good "visit".  She was excited to share the news she had learned, the stories her friends and acquaintences had to share.  It put her in a good mood.  It made her feel a part of something other than her daily life, I suppose.

She didn't have Facebook or Twitter or texting or e-mail.  To visit meant to connect face to face most of the time.  I am my mother's daughter when it comes to the face to face visit.  It's the best way, the preferred way, the way that brings me the most joy.

I am sad that mom can no longer "visit" with friends or even family.  She has lost us somewhere in her ALZ wracked brain.  She imagines visits from the past - or remembers, who knows?  But those memories or imaginations still make her smile. 

So I listen and try and help her feel like she is still a part of something other than her daily life. 

I am thankful that she taught me the art of conversation with other women.  A joy that cannot be duplicated.  A "visit" with a good friend is better than cheesecake, better than homemade mashed potatoes, better than a great swim, better than pie...and that's really GOOD!


This post is part of Lisa Jo Baker’s Five Minute Friday, in response to the prompt “visit.” I wrote for 5 minutes and published without editing, in 5 minute Friday tradition.

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Sadness

Sadness is the overwhelming feeling I am getting more and more with my mom.  Sadness brought on by confusion...maybe.  Sadness brought on because of a lack of socializing...probably.  Sadness brought on by aging and all that comes with it...I don't know.

My heart breaks for her.  Many of the resentments I have toward my mom stem from the fact that she wasn't a classic mother-figure.  Mind you, I grew up when fairytales were still told and wished for, Mrs. Brady was on tv and I read Anne of Green Gables over and over and over.  I also grew up in a rural school district with moms who cooked and cleaned and farmed and raised and sewed and baked and worried and showed up at everything.

My mom was one of the few working moms - something I was always proud of.  My mom was independent.  She didn't hover.  She trusted me to make my own decisions (something that worked out better for her than it did for me, as it turns out!).  But she was always around, a part of my life. 

Until my daddy died.  Suddenly, she wasn't that interested in me or being a family.  Years later I learned that she was out trying to find a new husband.  Who knew?  I assumed she was grieving.  I could understand that.  And I was young and bullish and an expert at pretending I was stronger than steel, so I didn't let it bother me.  And when I did let it bother me, I ignored it until something distracted me enough that it didn't bother me anymore.

Years passed and I continued to force my mom to be a part of my life.  She never outwardly complained about it, but I honestly believe that if I hadn't called her every Sunday and made a point to go home every year, I may have lost touch with her.  Cards at Christmas and birthdays and the occasional call to share a special story or ask a question.  I couldn't let that happen.  I needed her.  I needed to be a part of a family.  When Daddy was alive, I had no doubt that I was loved beyond measure and cherished...how many people ever get to be cherished?  I was used to it.  I needed it.  So I kept hold of my mom and our relationship like a bulldog. 

I always made it "funny" - "ironic"  - "sarcastic".  That's how I deal with difficult situations that could show my weakness.  My need for people.  My desperate desire for family.  I can do funny with the best of them.  I love the power of funny.  And I don't want to sound desperate about it - funny would always cheer me up!  It puts life in perspective.  It reminds me that I choose how I feel/react/deal with all situations.  It made things not hurt so badly.

Anyway, mom allowed me to stay in her life - as long as I did all the leg work.  We never grew closer as some families due after a loss, but because she had always been a little distant - I don't think we grew apart either.  And it never seemed weird until I became a mother. 

I gave birth to my son and my heart exploded with love.  To this day, he takes my breath away.  I gave birth to my daughter and it doubled.  I can't explain how much I need them in my days, minutes, seconds.  I love them the way I am guessing my Daddy loved me.  When they went back to school after Christmas break this year, I felt like part of me was missing for the first couple of days.  I just love being with them.

Maybe some people are born to be parents.  And some are not.  Mom was not.  We've joked about it.  I never thought it was that funny, but I went along because I was a strong woman who didn't need anyone...HA!

But now, mom has no one.  She has me, but she doesn't want me.  She wants a man.  A husband.  A friend her own age.  But not a daughter.  A servant perhaps.  But not me.  She finds no comfort in me as her daughter.  She knows somewhere in her mind that I am the one who cares for her and keeps her safe.  But that annoys her - she isn't supposed to need anyone.  She is independent.  WAS.  She was independent.  And now she is not.  This cruel disease has robbed her of the one thing she valued above all else...independence. 

So now she is sad.  She never thought this would happen to her.  She never thought long-term.  She assumed she would always be able to live independently.  To drive.  To shop.  To keep house.  To socialize.  Instead she has trouble remembering how to dress herself and what day it is.  My heart is breaking for her.  And for me sometimes.

Another Five Minute Friday....Encouragement

Encouragement

What a wonderful word.  Concept.  Goal.  I love to encourage - it brings out the best in me when I try and bring out the best in others.  I grew up with a daddy who always encouraged.  His greatest life-lesson to me was the "10 People Smile" lesson.

Somewhere around age 11, my daddy started a daily goal or making 10 people smile every day.  And family didn't count - they were an expectation!  It had to be 10 different people every day - so some days, if he hadn't been out of the office much or was under the weather, we got in the car and headed to the Mall.  We were on a mission - a joyful, crazy, loud and sometimes embarrassing mission to find 6 or 8 or whatever people to make smile so he could say he'd accomplished his daily goal.

I have carried this with me - as a PART of everything I am - since I was 11.  I enjoy making people smile.  I can't imagine not offering a smile to everyone I meet.  I have sacrificed "cool" because I will never be cool - or collected - or calm - or disinterested.  I can't be.  I am my daddy's daughter and that means I have to engage - to encourage - to make people smile.

I forget that not everyone is wired this way.  The nice thing about being a smiler/engager/encourager is that is usually brings out the smiler in others.  And that encourages me.  I am the mother who embarrasses her daughter the same way my daddy's over-the-top personality embarrassed me.  But on the other side of embarrassment is a love of people, an attitude of joy and a life long goal of making others smile.  Not a bad gift to give to the next generation!

Whew, that was fast - 5 minutes of writing (5 minutes and 12 seconds, to be exact) felt like 2 minutes tops!  But thank goodness for Five Minute Friday - it's the only time I've made myself sit down for this wonderful therapy.




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It’s easy to join in, just:

1. Check what the prompt is on my blog.
2. Write a post in only five minutes on that topic on your blog.
3. {And if you don’t have a blog, no worries! Just leave your writing as a comment on my post}
4. Link over here and invite friends to join in.
5. Select the permalink to your post {so not your blog url www.lisajobaker.com but your post url www.lisajobaker.com/2012/07/five-minute-friday-2/ }
6. Using the blue linky tool at the bottom of my Five Minute Friday post enter your link.
7. It will also walk you through selecting which photo you want to show up in the linky.
8. Your post will show up in our Five Minute Friday linky.
9. Be sure and encourage the person who linked up before you!

Our most important requirement for participation: There’s really only one absolute, no ifs, ands or buts about it Five Minute Friday rule: you must visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community.
- See more at: http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/#sthash.uv1JoULZ.dpur Five-Minute Friday...

It’s easy to join in, just:

1. Check what the prompt is on my blog.
2. Write a post in only five minutes on that topic on your blog.
3. {And if you don’t have a blog, no worries! Just leave your writing as a comment on my post}
4. Link over here and invite friends to join in.
5. Select the permalink to your post {so not your blog url www.lisajobaker.com but your post url www.lisajobaker.com/2012/07/five-minute-friday-2/ }
6. Using the blue linky tool at the bottom of my Five Minute Friday post enter your link.
7. It will also walk you through selecting which photo you want to show up in the linky.
8. Your post will show up in our Five Minute Friday linky.
9. Be sure and encourage the person who linked up before you!

Our most important requirement for participation: There’s really only one absolute, no ifs, ands or buts about it Five Minute Friday rule: you must visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community.
- See more at: http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/#sthash.uv1JoULZ.dpuf

I'm hanging out with Lisa-Jo this morning.  Want in?  Here's the deal:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.

3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

- See more at: http://www.findingheaventoday.com/2014/01/fmf-encouragement-from-former-porn-star.html#sthash.LySadolm.dpuf

I'm hanging out with Lisa-Jo this morning.  Want in?  Here's the deal:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.

3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

- See more at: http://www.findingheaventoday.com/2014/01/fmf-encouragement-from-former-porn-star.html#sthash.LySadolm.dpuf

It’s easy to join in, just:

1. Check what the prompt is on my blog.
2. Write a post in only five minutes on that topic on your blog.
3. {And if you don’t have a blog, no worries! Just leave your writing as a comment on my post}
4. Link over here and invite friends to join in.
5. Select the permalink to your post {so not your blog url www.lisajobaker.com but your post url www.lisajobaker.com/2012/07/five-minute-friday-2/ }
6. Using the blue linky tool at the bottom of my Five Minute Friday post enter your link.
7. It will also walk you through selecting which photo you want to show up in the linky.
8. Your post will show up in our Five Minute Friday linky.
9. Be sure and encourage the person who linked up before you!

Our most important requirement for participation: There’s really only one absolute, no ifs, ands or buts about it Five Minute Friday rule: you must visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community.
- See more at: http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/#sthash.uv1JoULZ.dpuf

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community.. - See more at: http://lisajobaker.com/2014/01/why-your-words-matter/#sthash.9TYwiJPR.dpuf

I'm hanging out with Lisa-Jo this morning.  Want in?  Here's the deal:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.

3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

- See more at: http://www.findingheaventoday.com/2014/01/fmf-encouragement-from-former-porn-star.html#sthash.LySadolm.dpuf

I'm hanging out with Lisa-Jo this morning.  Want in?  Here's the deal:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.

3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

- See more at: http://www.findingheaventoday.com/2014/01/fmf-encouragement-from-former-porn-star.html#sthash.LySadolm.dpu

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community.. - See more at: http://lisajobaker.com/2014/01/why-your-words-matter/#sthash.9TYwiJPR.dpuf

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community.. - See more at: http://lisajobaker.com/2014/01/why-your-words-matter/#sthash.9TYwiJPR.dpuf

Five Minute Friday: See

Kinda feeling proud of myself - a second week taking 5 minutes all to myself to write.  I've been admiring/watching/reading/dreaming about the community of writers who gather every Friday to write for 5 minutes on a topic chosen and posted by Lisa Jo Baker and as a part of a new year and a new commitment to spend more time on things that fill me....I not only admire/watch/read/dream  - I write.

January 10, 2014   SEE

I now know that life is more precious when I take time to SEE it.  Not just a glance around to make sure nothing is on fire and no one is shooting nasty glances or sneaking a peak at tv instead of doing homework.  When I deliberately stop and SEE - my kids, my husband, my mom and myself.

Life is beautiful when you look for the beauty.  Patience is increased when you SEE all the blessings.  Ann Voskamp's book changed how I see when I read it early last year - a gift I can never repay.  But in being thankful instead of envious has changed how I see everything.

Now, I fail daily, but the best thing about life in general - it's a quick fix to start again.  To put away the past habits and look with thankfulness, with the eyes of a mother, a daughter, a wife and a child of God.  What I see when I use my "glass half full" eyes always takes my breath away.  It lowers my blood pressure, it makes me kinder to others and to myself, it pushes me to do something that matters in my day.  It reminds me to praise, to take the high road, to love more.

Pausing right this second in the midst of my 5 Minutes - I see my Sophie Beast, perfectly contented lying on the sofa looking out the window on a rainy day - ready to pretend to be a fierce guard dog should the situation arise.  My ears "see" my mom laughing at Kathie Lee and Hoda in the next room and know that she is contented for the moment.

Now that's a precious sight for any day!




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Pros and Cons of Winter in my ALZ world

Yep, I was right (you know I love those words!).  The Christmas decorations are down and put away.  The dust is gone from every surface, nook and cranny.  Our home is back to normal...actually, it's better than normal - it's really clean!  And the lack of decorations have put mom at ease. 

Winter is weird for my mom - the early sunsets make her antsy early in the evening and freaked out about when we eat dinner before the kids are barely started on their homework.  But at least in November and December there were signs that it was Autumn and the Christmas - through decorations.  So, even though it took her time to connect the dots (and sometimes a little nudge from me), she knew it was winter. 

Now, in January, post-decorations, winter is a mystery.  It's cold outside, so the heat is running.  I don't think it makes much of a noise, but mom comments on it all the time.  The fireplace is frequently in use and mom either loves to look at it or loves to complain about it.  Today the sun is shining and to mom, now that the winter "clues" are gone - means it must be warm.  Those are the dots she has to connect.  Sunshine = summer.

She has wandered to the back door 3 or 4 times every day to mutter aloud about going outside to sit on the patio.  The other night Patrick grilled burgers - Texas is great like that - year round grilling! - and that further confirmed mom's suspicion that it was summertime.  I tell her a variety of details in hopes of saying something that will help her know that it is cold outside.  Yesterday and today were the coldest days so far.  I think even colder than the ice storm days.  None of that matters.  Mom thinks it's warm outside, so it must be warm outside.  Funny how she chooses to argue about something so trivial.  I am guessing it is an effort to prove that the things she still KNOWS are true.  It can be a heartbreaker or a fist clencher.

The early sunsets are still a challenge, but as long as I time dinner correctly - absolutely NO LATER than 6:15, it's not so bad.  She still gets the dinnertime routine...although the revolving guest list at our dinner table is a bit much for mom...but it has a pattern.  A routine.  There are steps leading up to dinner that we follow and steps during dinner and steps after dinner.  I believe she finds comfort in the sameness.

We sat at TV trays the other day to watch the Bengals - that was bad.  She did not want to eat at trays - she "was taught that you were to sit at the dinner table to eat dinner"...which is hysterical to me - I ate dinner on the couch or standing up behind the check-in desk most of my life!  Anyway, I sat her up at the table and then we ate at trays.  She mumbled at the top of her mumble for the entire meal and she was exhausted by the time she was done.  She actually took a nap in her room.  (yes, we thought maybe that would be a good plan for future Sundays, but that's just mean!)

Rumor has it, it may rain tomorrow.  That will be a blessing - and a break for me.  Rain = wintertime, so she will understand the heat and the fireplace better.  She won't ask about going outside.  We will probably still talk about what month it is and what day it is, but it should take away some of the anxiety from the other things.

I adore winter, I adore being cool instead of hot, I love the holidays, warm comfort food, early nightfall so I can put on my jammies as early as I want.  And sometimes I feel guilty loving it - because I know it's so hard on mom.   

Fight...(my first 5-minute Friday post/attempt)

Fight seems like such a strange word in the beginning of a year - is it a fight we need to let go of?  A will to fight the good fight?  A opportunity to get something off your chest about a fight...a fight I may be fighting alone - without the other person even knowing there IS a fight?  how about the fight to keep a NY Resolution?  That's a good one - at least it seems good considering the number of people in "my" pool this morning...only one of which I recognized.  Truthfully, I am proud of the fight they are fighting and hope they become regulars and it becomes "our" pool - just like it did for me last year!

On this venue, however, fight takes on the blush of ALZ - as does everything in my life these days.  I fight daily with my patience (or lack thereof), I fight daily to be grateful and to recognize the beautiful opportunity I have been given to take care of my mother in this terrible time.  I fight hourly to stay open to God's lessons for me.  To let go and know that He's got it! 

I watch mom fight to recognize her surroundings, the season, the faces, the daily routines that are becoming less routine and more of a task.  I fight back tears and wonder how I come from her - when I realize that I have never seen her cry - no fighting back the tears for my mom.  I am guessing that's why her fight is different than my fight will be - she is fighting to not need anyone - I need people.  I need family...and I guess because I come from her, I have fought my whole life to be okay with that. 

Today I will fight to be kind, patient, to answer the same 3 or 4 questions over and over with a smile and with enthusiasm.  And I will hope that doctors and researchers are fighting to end this horrible disease before it's too late for me and my daughter.

...okay, my 5 minutes is up and that was so strange and wonderful - I hope to add this to my weekly routine.  But talk about FIGHT - I wanted to go back and edit or change or take things out or clarify... but I am, after all, a rule-follower and know that I came upon this challenge for a reason.  Salute to all you weekly posters and challenge-takers.  You are fabulous.