Sigh...

...nothing really bad, nothing extreme, nothing's really changed...

Life with mom is sad.  It's frustrating.  It's futile.  It's the right thing and the best thing, but I've been overwhelmed by sadness this past week.

Nothing I say or do can help her.  She refuses to read notes.  She is incapable of following or embracing or even acknowledging a routing...although if we veer too far from the routines I attempt, the results are pretty awful.  She wants to argue.  I think it's her new way of having a conversation.  She has decided that Peyton is an easy target.  At least she picks the same topics to argue about:  Sophie, where she lives, where she sits and what time we eat on Sundays.  There are two other topics that she does talk about - questions, really - that are not meant to cause an argument, they are just used like ah, or um, or a pause in a speech.  "What day is it?" and "Have we had lunch/dinner yet?"  I answer.  She asks again.

The biggest "sigh" moment comes from her new obsession with the lack of activities in her day.  She is right.  We have a big morning...the getting up routine that takes 90 minutes.  Breakfast.  Reading the newspaper.  Exercises.  Outside - she sits, I water & prune things.  The lunch.  She usually finds time for a couple of cat naps in there as well.  Then we try and do something - fold laundry, work on box tops or play one of the memory games from her speech therapist.

We used to go and pick up Peyton from school, but she is having these horrible anxiety attacks when we leave the house, so as much as she likes to get out - I just can't make it work.  She doesn't like to be left alone, but it has less negative effects on her than if I take her out.  Sometimes it can take up to 2 hours to get her calmed back down after we leave.  It's so upsetting to watch and she can get downright mean.

I am torn.  I hate to leave her out of things.  Hate to deceive her when I make excuses why she can't ride along.  Hate to ignore the complaining.  I really hate the times I have tried to explain it to her - I did it to make myself feel better, I think.  To feel like I was proving to her that I was trying to be kind and that I was being honest.  Explanations make her angry.  She smirks.  I hate that.  She doesn't believe anything I say - when I explain, I am the enemy.  I think it's because many of my explanations involve facts or details that emphasize the fact that she doesn't remember things.

I was sad yesterday.  I actually encouraged my kids to find activities that took them out of our home.  I don't want them to be saturated with this sadness.  I want them to have fun and be kids.  I want them to find joy and release and a bit of an escape from this new reality.

I just wish our master suite was downstairs so mom felt like she had her own full apartment.  A place that would allow her privacy.  And an upstairs living area that would give the kiddos a place to do their homework without being pelted with the 2 constant questions or to watch a tv show without mom's dee-dee-deeing.

But we don't...so while the weather is nice - let them play outside, at the park, at a friend's.  And I will stay here not explaining things and answering the 2 questions...and not getting lured into an argument!