Caregiver Discontent...

I am not proud of this, but Sunday I was a big ole whiny baby.  A "thumb-sucker" is what Daddy would have called me!  I somehow got caught up in feeling sorry for myself and it was not pretty!

Last weekend was my son's birthday - Friday we did some family stuff and Saturday was a day for him and his buddies.   The family stuff is always weird - like I've said - we have to pretend no one is having a birthday or anniversary or celebration of any kind because it really upsets mom.  I feel like it magnifies her awareness of all she is forgetting and I am beginning to understand how devastating that is for her.

Anyway - in order to have a "party" for my son with an ALZ housemate - there is planning.  Planning the day on Saturday so we could have dinner early enough for mom to settle into some tv time so I could sneak away to pick up friends and drop kids off at Altitude.  Planning the "back from the party" meal/snacks/drinks so as not to make too much noise that will wake mom up and might end up surprising everyone with a parade in her less-than-full-coverage nightie that she now prefers.  Planning the quietest way to get trash from his room outside so the dog didn't go all scavenger on his room and my house.  And figuring out how in heaven's name I'm going stay up and be able to drive safely at midnight!

This is not what made me a baby - I like the planning.  I like making things special for the kids.  I feel good about myself when I go the extra mile to make mom as comfortable as possible.  I was looking forward to an evening (even if it would really only be 90 minutes) at home, just mom and me.

I wasn't even whiny on Sunday morning when I had to set my alarm so I could get up and make mom her breakfast on "schedule".  The ice storm I woke up to didn't push me over the edge either.  Discovering that we were out of bread pushed one of my buttons, but oh well!  But somewhere after breakfast, after dishes, after an ice storm trip to a packed grocery with a face and ensemble that screamed "hey, this lady didn't get enough sleep or shower yet this morning", after getting very sleepy, grumpy teenage boys up so I could get them home before they got iced in at our house (NO!!!!), after getting my kids breakfast of sorts and answered the same question 20 times (I wonder if Lisa is coming to get me today?), but before lunch - I cracked!

I was done.  Done caring for others.  Done cleaning up after everyone.  Done answering questions.  Done watching tv that "everyone" can agree on.  Done. 

Don't get me wrong - I wasn't done enough to not DO.  I still made a hot lunch that everyone liked.  I still did dishes.  I watched tv.  I answered mom's questions.  I printed off Oscar BINGO cards.  I started laundry - including ALL the bedding from my son's room after the gross, feet-smelling teenage boy party the night before.  I salted the front sidewalk.  I packed snacks for the week's lunch bags.  I made muffins for the week's breakfast.  I put drinks in the fridge.  I even put gas in my car so my husband could drive it to work - it's safer and has much better heat!  My whole body ached from the raking and yard work we had done on Saturday while it was over 80 degrees.  My sinuses were in a pressure craze from the huge changes in weather and my kids still had homework that needed doing and there was a dinner that needed preparing.

And so I was a whiny, thumb-sucking, over-sighing, foot stomping, mumbling, eye rolling baby.   And it lasted much longer than I meant for it to.  I'm not sure anyone is worse for the wear - sadly, my kids think I am "funny" when I get grumpy.  They are probably right.  I'm not even sure mom noticed my mood. 

Oh well, it's over.  I'm back among the grateful.  The pleasant.  The glass-half-fullers.  The question answerers.  The caregivers!