AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Funny as it is to see in print - this is how I have felt several times over the past 3 days.  This Spring Break has mom in a tizzle.  No use in explaining what is going on - it doesn't matter.  It's different and that is bad...or is it?

This is the cause of my wail, growl, frustration.

Mom finds any kind of change upsetting.  She is less anxious when things are the same.  When the routine is followed.  And yet...

...she has spent the past 3 days asking if there is anything "special" going on.  How do I answer that?  If I tell her about an appointment or a friend who is coming over - it envelopes her.  It haunts her in the very back of her mind...that scratch in the middle of your back that you can't quite reach.  She becomes visibly worried.  I can see it in her eyes.  In the questions she starts but refuses to finish.  In the wringing of her hands and the folding and refolding of a tissue.

If I say "no, nothing special"...she complains.  She mutters.  She says things that are ugly and hurtful under her breath, but always just loud enough for me to hear.  And she won't let it go.  "This place USED to have so many activities.  And what are they using their time on...they certainly aren't shoveling the snow all over the yard out there.  (we have NO snow on the ground)  Or picking up the trash out there.  (they are leaves - we have a lot of trees for a suburban TX backyard!).  "I guess I can't expect anyone to care anything about an old woman.  HEY! (this is her new name for me)  HEY!  I need you to do me a favor.  I need you to get me a phone and my daughter Lisa's phone number.  I want her to get me out of this place!" 

Where do you go with that?

Clearly - I want to avoid telling her about appointments so I don't upset her.  Because as thick as my skin is, the ugly comments break me down.  Not so much when we are alone, but on Spring Break when my family is home and can see this side of mom...ugh!  Fragile flower?  Hardly!  But dang!  A girl can only take so much complaining.  When it's my kids - I send them to their room to do an attitude inventory and adjustment.  How do you make a grown woman go to her room?  As fully aware as I am that we have completed total role reversal - I can't quite get to the "go to your room until you can be polite" with mom.

Because who are we kidding?  She has no idea she is being ugly.  Or complaining.  Or anything else.  For those of you who are caregivers for ALZ - you know the futile feeling of trying to have a conversation about something like this only to realize 90 seconds in - they haven't the slightest idea what you are talking about or how this started.  AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Hopefully this is a passing phase.  One of those things that goes as quickly and abruptly as it came.  Routine is a pain and requires planning, but it can be done...this new thing...I got nothin'!  I can't make her happy when she is so intent on being displeased (picture that facial expression in your mind for a window into my week!)   Even if it doesn't go back to the old way - it has to change to something else, right?  Fingers crossed!