Anything but Routine

Today was One Word Wednesday over at my web site My Sweet Peanut.  The word for today is ROUTINE and I just couldn't quite find mine today.

I set alarms.  I made mental notes.  I had a plan.  Mom had a different idea.

It's funny that when I hear the word ROUTINE, I immediately think of my daughter dancing.  They choreograph ROUTINES for all the disciplines.  We order and bedazzle all manner of costumes to add a little expression to the ROUTINE.  She practices her "facials" in the mirror to make sure she is interpreting the music for the ROUTINE.  Her feet are in constant motion day in, day out, tapping, pointing, leaping out the steps of the ROUTINE.

She is creating muscle memory by practicing.  She is making the steps second nature so she can let go and just dance and express and be the ROUTINE.

When you have Alzheimer's, you lose your memories.  First it's names.  And words for common objects.  Then your short-term memory fades.  Eventually, you lose your muscle memory.  Even things that you've been doing for, say, 86 years...like brushing your teeth, escape you.  Especially if you think about it too much.  It's the thinking.  Or the overthinking, really.  Trying to get it perfect.  Trying to make it make sense.  Trying to give every step a name.  To attach the exact, proper, appropriate word to each piece, step, action.

Imagine the frustration of staring at something you know you are supposed to know.  To understand.  To instinctively know what to do with it.  And get stuck.  No matter how ROUTINE. 

And, then to make it worse...not being able to find the words to ASK for help.  To clarify.  Because you stopped going with the flow.  You stopped letting it be part of your morning ROUTINE.  You made it an event.  A test.  An exam.

And because you have Alzheimer's and you don't quite understand what that means and you're embarrassed to admit it, talk about it, ask for help....you turn everything into an event.  You put pressure on yourself.  You make brushing your teeth an exam.  And that makes everything harder.

And imagine you're a caregiver and you want to reassure your mom to just "go with the flow".  To smile and remind her that she does this every single morning and "she is awesome"! 

To watch the scariest (to me) part of dementia.  The forgetting of the ROUTINE things.  The last pages of the 'handbook' the doctor gave you that state clearly (and that you didn't believe could possibly happen when you read it the first time 8 years ago) that Alzheimer's can take away your memory of how to stand up.  How to walk and eat.  How to breathe.

"It's a natural as breathing".  A saying I've heard my entire life.  A saying that has been a saying forever because it's true...unless you have Alzheimer's.

I mean, BREATHING... How much more ROUTINE can you get?  "As natural as breathing!!"  And yet, Alzheimer's can take that natural tendency away.  It's terrifying.

So I push.  I set us up for success.  I maintain as strict a ROUTINE as I can. And I push some more.  And set another alarm.  And make mental notes.  And have a plan.  And wait and watch and pray and breathe...