One Word Wednesday: Small

One of the most interesting things I have experienced since becoming a caregiver to my 86-year-old mother and her over-the-top-advanced-stage Alzheimer's is how SMALL my world has become.

Her need to have me near.  My need to make sure she is safe.  The lack of resources for Alzheimer's patients.  The routine that makes her disease slightly more manageable.  And her anxiety and paranoia when she leaves the house.  All of these contribute to a much smaller world for me.

I used to be able to run and meet someone for coffee or lunch without much thought or planning.  I drove 30 minutes into our downtown area to work every day.  I might travel across town to go to a new farmer's market or boutique or art fair on any given Saturday.  We tried to go to a couple of sporting events, a water park, a play, a museum and a festival or two every year.  We might stay the night wherever Murph's baseball tournament might be instead of driving home.  I saw a LOT of different faces over the course of a week.

Now I stay close to home.  I see my family and the people who are working with mom - doctors, therapists, home health aides, case workers.  We eat at home.  We watch movies at home.  I do all my shopping in a 2 mile radius of home.  If it weren't for my kids - I might NEVER leave my zip code!

My days are smaller too - we eat meals on a regular schedule.  We eat food that is familiar.  We watch the exact same shows every day.  We have the exact same conversations every day.  I might answer the same question 50 times or more every day. And we do as much as possible in the same order every day.  (which is why mom detests the weekends!)

And the strangest thing is - I don't really mind.  I get frustrated.  I get angry sometimes.  I feel "different" than most of my friends.  But in the grand scheme of things, I don't mind.  

I am actually enjoying the smallness of my life.  I am able to focus more on the little things.  I am more involved in my kids life.  I find great pleasure in my family.  I have noticed things in my neighborhood that I have probably been driving by for years oblivious.  I watch the traffic report on the morning news and feel grateful that I don't have to worry about that anymore.  The check out men and women at my local market know me and we chat.  They smile when they see me.  I get gas at the same place every week and know their names.  Peanut's teachers know me and wave or pop over to the window to share something about her day at pick up time.  I have found a rhythm to my new life.

I wonder sometimes if mom has to go into long-term care or this disease takes her sooner than later - will I be able to return to a BIGGER life?  Will I be able to swim in the big pond again?  Do I even want to?  I am still young enough to have lots of working left in me - so I guess I'll do what I have to do.  

But I have discovered a different side of my personality.  A new set of interests.  A new happy place.  And it's here in my SMALL world.  

I guess this is the blessing that comes with the burden of caring for mom.  The gift that is wrapped up in all the sad and awful things that are a part of Alzheimer's.  The silver lining around the dark cloud that hangs over mom every day for the rest of her life.

They say the world is once again a small town - of course, that's because of the internet.  My world is now a small world because of a choice, a disease and determination to make the best of things.