So, in an effort to make everyone feel like this home is their home - in other words - to give everyone a chance to do what they want in a place they are comfortable without all of us stacked on top of one another, we moved mom's tv into the red room.
Let me preface the story with another story...back in mid-to-late-September, mom got bothered by the green light on the wireless modem that controls her cable and couldn't be quieted down. She had convinced herself that it was going to set her room on fire in the middle of the night, so we ended up unplugging her tv....in MID-TO-LATE SEPTEMBER (aka 90 days ago!!!).
I brought up the idea of moving her tv into the red room, where she loves to sit and look out our front window. Mom finds the strangers and cars on our street much more interesting than our family playing in the back yard...sigh... I thought this would be a way to allow the kids some time to watch their shows and play video games in our family room and still allow mom to keep her routine. Seemed like the day we put up her Christmas tree would be the perfect day since we had to move things around and clean anyway.
I have never been more wrong. She was pissed! She was confused (which I expected), she was bothered (which I also expected) and she was pissed! She brought out some unpleasant faces, words, comments, body language and attitude to show her displeasure. We lasted 3 days. It ended badly for mom and for me. It made my husband mad, it entertained the kids. She was so mad that she even decided that we were punishing her by putting a Christmas tree in her room. It's upstairs in my hallway now and it's beautiful. I remember how much she used to love her tree. Love is not a factor for mom anymore. Pleasure and joy are off the table. She just wants to be right and to argue til she has alienated herself from everyone else. It's heartbreaking and sadly, it is sometimes hard to remember that this is one of those "that's just how it is" things and it does no good to be angry or frustrated. It is what it is.
Anyway, the tv is back in it's place and for now, it's plugged in. She actually went in there and watched the Today show this morning so my family and I could watch a show just the 4 of us. It was unpleasant getting it arranged, but after she got mad, made every effort to portray herself as the victim and me as the villain, after I used up all the patience I could muster and finally just walked out - we enjoyed a 30 minute show together. We layed all over our furniture with our jammies on and blankets and the dog and the volume only at 15 instead of 30 (which is starting to beat me down day after day). It was worth the effort.
I am assuming we are going to have to have more of these confrontations to get more of these family moments, but it really is worth it. You see, when your loved one has advanced Alzheimer's, you can't set rules, you can't leave notes, you can't use a white board, you can't have conversations, you can't reason and you can't expect them to be empathetic. You just have to decide that you are keeping them safe and out of a nursing home and that they aren't losing weight and you are sure they are taking their medications in the right doses and on time, they are cleaner, fresher, better cared for and loved. You have to remember that the past is lost - for both of you - and can never be fixed or apologized for or made right and the break through you dreamed of is just not going to happen. You have to remember how tough this must be on the people you love the most, that God is probably giving you a blessing that will change your lives for the better at some point here or in Heaven and that they are worth the fight. So she's going to get pissed, she's going to make you feel like a bad person - but I'm not. And she isn't suffering, she's sick.
But 30 minutes alone with my family is worth any fight and as with so many things with mom, she may start to think that's how it's "supposed" to be and she'll retreat into her space more often. I guess we'll wait and see.
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